@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

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@Marlebean

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

@thinkcomedy

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

@KrazykurtKurt

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

@iinkedZombie

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

@just1fool

5: “Why is the moon so bright?”

Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”

Moon: “I heard that.”

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast