Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

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when you try to move in a video game but you accidentalyl have the chat box open


Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon


[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.


How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?


Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.


My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.


I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.



Me: she never tells me anything
Her: He doesn’t listen
Me: that’s bs gimme an example
Her: I’m 8 months pregnant


Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’


Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.