Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
5: “Why is the moon so bright?”
Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”
Moon: “I heard that.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.