@BoomBoomBetty

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

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@MorticiaKate

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@tigersgoroooar

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

@SeanBlazed

IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I

@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.