I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
IF SIMBA COULD GROW TO THE SIZE OF A HEALTHY ADULT LION EATING BUGS THEN SO CAN I
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.