[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes