Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn’t reading your tweets or looking at pics

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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.


Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me


Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.


“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink


The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.


Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.


Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.


*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.


DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it