me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!