Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.

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ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here


[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god


*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?


him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar


Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear


*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.


Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁


I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.