Wife leaves: Ok.
Wifi leaves: NOOOOOOOOOO. I can change!
Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
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ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here
[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*
ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it
goat: Hit me again.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.