Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME