Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain