If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again