Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?