Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
You Might Also Like
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.