Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.