@GrantTanaka

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

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@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@WheelTod

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@Cheeseboy22

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

@BoomBoomBetty

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

@SophieOverett

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

@KeetPotato

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

@SamGrittner

Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.