got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.