He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
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They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*