Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
japanese corn
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*