Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
No, I don’t think I will.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
same bro
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”