@BoomBoomBetty: Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet. Me: That's what happens when she puts them on herself. Wife: I watched you dress her.
@FrazzleMyGimp: [zombie apocalypse] SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
@eminmien: WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you. ME: Thanks. WAITRESS: [to my date] He's not ready for anything serious right now.
@DrunksWithGuns: Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I've never done this before and I'm really nervous. Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.