Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You Might Also Like
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
The two types of wives
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.