Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

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Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving


Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.


Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.


I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters


The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.


Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”


Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!


“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate


Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?