@seanscrap

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

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@pleatedjeans

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

@Smug_Lemur

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@AddTequila

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

@perlapell

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

@briangaar

Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”

@QwertyJones3

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

@GrantTanaka

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?