*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Stop making fast and furious movies.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.