At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?