My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
Fight club member:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Since it’s impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.