@AristotlesNZ

Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

@TEXASVETERAN

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

@ItsAndyRyan

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

@3sunzzz

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

@HomeProbably

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

@envydatropic

My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh

@AbbieEvansXO

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

@cravin4

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

@alexwyse

Since it’s impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.