Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more