Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*