Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.