Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.