@KrunkedRobot

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

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@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@HavocMantis

I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

@daemonic3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@CruisinSoozan

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

@Quartzjixler

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

@wolfmannjr

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

@AnOrangeSNES

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

@AnitaHelmet

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.