Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time