Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁