Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.