Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
do horses think humans are hats
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December