Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Just grow your own
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.