Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.


I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”


6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that


We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.


[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.


i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order


Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.


how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands


last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht