Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
called in thicc to work this morning
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”