@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

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@TravZA

I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@iwearaonesie

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.

@difficultpatty

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

@Rollinintheseat

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

@iAmDelFreaky

Haha! My mom said I can’t use my phone at the dinner table. I’m a grown…

This is Del’s mom, he’ll be back after he eats his dinner.

@chuuew

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

@Shen_the_Bird

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

@thelateinnings

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299