Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.