Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.