Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?