Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
You Might Also Like
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue