Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules