Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
i can’t wait that long
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants