Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.