Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Huge, if true.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
constantly working on myself.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.