Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem