Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Jupiter
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?