Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak