@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

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@ItsMrWoody2U

Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…

@Reverend_Scott

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@ericonederful

They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.

@Gupton68

*walks into the coffin shop*

I’ll take this one please. Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it.

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@dwaghalter

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@CatsVsHumanity

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE