@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

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@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@Mom_Overboard

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

@thenatewolf

Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.

@biscuitahoy

When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.

@CornOnTheGoblin

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

@trentistweeting

“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@RandomManik

Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,

“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”

@ItsAndyRyan

Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”