GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
You Might Also Like
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.
When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.
cause baby now we’ve got
you know we soaking in
so take a loofah for
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.
Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,
“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”
Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”