Me: bless me father for I have sinned.
Priest: how long since your last confession my son?
Me: about 45 minutes ago…
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.
*walks into the coffin shop*
I’ll take this one please. Don’t wrap it, I’ll wear it.
once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE