My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day