Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.


“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”


If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.


my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”


I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.


Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.


[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?


A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.


[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy


Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.