Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name