On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.