18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
😂💯
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Got him!
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call