@Schooney_Tunes

Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.

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@WilliamAder

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch

@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

@SirEviscerate

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

@MandiAtRandom

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

@sf14

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

@AbleLikes

I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.

@dulcetry

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

@TheMichaelRock

If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.