Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.

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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.


It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch


Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.


ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.


Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.


Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”


I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.


I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that


If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.