Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.


5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.


Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.


It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*


Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.


Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.


Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.


[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast