@Staggfilms

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

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@seanforhire

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

@Daisyldoo

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

@vladchoc

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@bamb00zld

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

@flashember

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

@online_rat

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast