Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.
Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.
If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”
Social media explained.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.