@Staggfilms

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

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@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

@ComedicBust

The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.

@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.

@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”

@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@GrantTanaka

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.