Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.