Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
SPLOOT
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.