got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands


she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy


I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.


I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.


Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God


my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer


[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*