got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.