Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.