Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You Might Also Like
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Golf would be better with landmines.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*